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I'm Not Lazy. I'm Anxious.

Hello, hello, my blog reading family! We made it another week and I would like to thank you for coming back for another edition of Read Kristin Ramble. Just kidding. I hope I provide you with something more than just rambling but that would be a catchy book name, don't you think?

Anyways, I've had this topic on my mind for a couple weeks now but after the anxiety I experienced yesterday I thought this would be a perfect time to talk about it.

In terms of anxiety, yesterday was a 10 out of 10. I woke up after what I thought was a fairly decent night sleep (I don’t sleep well anymore so the bar is low) and had my morning tea and breakfast. Nothing out of the ordinary. My plan for the day was to help my mom FINALLY put away our Christmas decorations because yes, we still haven't done that. To be fair, she ordered new storage boxes so we were going to be tackling a whole reorganization project…

That came to a grinding halt when I finally had to call it quits for the day, at 2pm.

I could feel my anxiety start to rise little by little but really what’s new. I'm used to living with a certain amount all of the time. But for whatever reason it was getting bad. To the point I had to stop everything I was doing and lay down. I felt nauseous, lightheaded and that awful feeling in my chest that gets me every time.

This isn't a new feeling for me but it did catch me by surprise. Sadly I have become all too accustomed to going about my day feeling a little nervous. However, this was BAD! I literally stopped functioning. The only thing I could seem to do at the moment was lay down in my dark room with a heating pad on my chest. And I stayed there for a couple of hours.

Normally, there are a number of tricks I can whip out of my bag at a moment's notice when my anxiety decides to be a little extra. Not this time. If you have ever experienced the type of paralyzing anxiety like I'm talking about you know that sometimes even the best coping skills don't cut it. So the only thing I had left to do was sit with it. Or in this case lie with it. (Lay? Lie? Honestly I don’t know)

The entire experience as a whole is just shitty. That is a terrible, not helpful description, but it just feels shitty on all levels. I'm a person that likes to be productive. I find it hard to just sit and do nothing so being overrun by anxiety is a bit of a nightmare. It is easy to think oh you're being lazy or go for a walk or something but there is a point on the anxiety scale where you just become stuck.

Oftentimes I can pinpoint what is causing my anxiety but in this case there was nothing in particular that was jumping out at me. I wasn't lying in bed with racing thoughts. In fact I wasn't thinking about much at all. I am not sure if that is more or less frustrating, I was simply stuck.

I have come to learn that sometimes I just have to let it run its course. I look at my anxiety pretty matter of factly now. Removing judgement and accepting when it comes to visit. Unfortunately, it can be a bit like a rude relative that likes to show up unannounced but at the end of the day you have no choice but to let them in. In a way that has helped me take some of the frustration out of the experience. Rather than thinking “great what a waste of a day that was” it's like “well Grandma showed up today” only Grandma is anxiety and she didn’t bring you cookies.

Maybe this was my body’s way of telling me I needed a break. Or maybe something subconsciously is really bothering me. Whatever the reason, getting angry with it will get me nowhere. Having anxiety already sucks enough. Adding judgement on top of it won’t help. Remember that next time Grandma pays you a visit. Try welcoming her with open arms and see what happens. Also, I’m not a doctor obviously so this is not legitimate medical advice, and I don't actually have a rude grandma.

Ta Ta for now!

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Disclaimer: Please note, all information on The Cheeky Life is not intended as medical advice or as a substitute for professional care. The intention of this blog is to connect with the community and share my personal experiences with mental health, eating disorders, and life in general. All opinions are my own.

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