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Birthday Anxiety

Hello hello! Welcome back to the blog. We are trying something new today. I'm not actually typing this... I'm talking to my computer. Fascinating I know. I'm curious to see how well this works. To be perfectly honest I'm kind of tired so I'm laying in bed talking to my computer. Welcome to the 21st century!

So anyways I have procrastinated this week. I haven't really known what to write about. I have been working all week on business logistics and there is really nothing to get you in the mood to pour your heart out like watching training videos on Google Analytics. But my birthday is next week and I'm not really looking forward to it. So let's talk about that!

I have a love-hate relationship with my birthday. On one hand I like having a whole day to just do whatever I want and pamper myself but on the other hand I freak out every year because I hate getting older. I’m not really sure why I hate getting older. Most likely because I set these imaginary deadlines in my head which is really silly because every time I get to one I look back and see how crazy I am.

For example, when I was in high school I had my whole life planned out. At 17 I decided I was going to get engaged by 26, married by 28, and have kids by 30. I literally laugh out loud now thinking how cute and naive I was, thinking it was that simple. But in my defense, my mom married her high school sweetheart at 23 so it seemed plausible (they are still married and it’s adorable).

It sounds so simple and orderly but as I got to 26 and 28 I would look back and think “What was I thinking?? I am absolutely not in that place in my life.” Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong if that timeline works for you, it just wasn't in the cards for me.

At 26 I was still struggling to get my eating disorder under control and just starting to feel like an adult. I was in no way equipped to be someone's wife for the rest of my life.

But this year my birthday feels extra sucky for some reason. I am turning 29 and I feel like I have so much I want to accomplish before I'm 30. Because let's be real, life ends at 30 (at least in my warped mind). I know logically 30 is still super young but I'm telling you it is like this big ominous cloud hanging over me. Like I am supposed to have everything figured out by the ripe old age of 30!

I know if I ask any 30 year old if they feel like they have their shit figured out they will say NO! No one does at any age. That's life. Literally just figuring your shit out everyday. Nevertheless, I am stuck in this weird quandary of “get over yourself and enjoy your damn birthday” and “OMG I'm going to be a crazy cat lady forever”. Welcome to the club of overthinking!—we meet every Tuesday at 10.

Everyday I have to remind myself I am living my own unique life that is set to its own unique schedule. And looking back I have always had to do things in my own time. I was never really on the same page as everyone else so why should this be any different?

I know I am not the only one that struggles with getting older. In fact I think the majority of people would prefer not to get older. But a friend of mine once told me that if we are lucky, we will get older. And really that is such a good perspective. We dread getting older but we assume that means tomorrow is guaranteed. Which it's not! So as I start to get birthday anxiety this year and my head starts to spin with all of the things I have yet to accomplish, I will try to replace those thoughts with gratitude that I have made it this far and feel fortunate to turn another year older.

P.S. wish me luck because we all know that is easier said than done. I am sure I will have at least one panic attack between now and next week!


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Disclaimer: Please note, all information on The Cheeky Life is not intended as medical advice or as a substitute for professional care. The intention of this blog is to connect with the community and share my personal experiences with mental health, eating disorders, and life in general. All opinions are my own.

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